If you experience feelings of shame you know it can be a truly painful experience, often accompanied by a complex range of emotions. Shame prefers to be hidden in the all too familiar dark, away from those who could expose it. And exposing that darkness can feel overwhelming: if we’ve been wounded before, exposing ourselves could mean opening to harm. So, whilst wanting to avoid this threat makes sense, it reinforces the idea that to be ourselves is not safe. This ruminating cycle prevents us from truly engaging in the interconnectedness of life’s relationships.
We may have experienced an overly critical parent(s), dysfunctional family system and/or been abused by others, so the idea of compassion is understandably scary. It may activate memories of when someone was in one instance kind but later harmed us. We can begin to understand thusly: our attachment system links our soothing and contentment system and solidifies soothing and loving memories. If however we have recollections of others harming us and in response felt anxious and angry, then these memories will be reactivated if another person is kind to us, or if we try to be kind to ourselves. So how do we begin to respond to ourselves with compassion rather than shame?
Psychotherapy is not about getting rid of the internal workings of our self but rather turning towards and exploring them with a compassionate other.
Having our feelings validated and normalised can be the first step to healing from our past wounds. I am reminded of the scene in Good Will Hunting between Robin Williams and Matt Damon when Robin Williams’ character says, ‘It’s not your fault’. Being seen by a regulating other is so important in recovering from shame. Normalisation through psychoeducation is also useful in understanding why we are the way we are. We, humans, have three emotional regulation systems: soothing, threat and drive. Often, our suffering comes because of being in a threat-based drive system. Think about how you motivate yourself: is it with a kind, calm tone, or is it a harsh, critical voice? If you relate to the latter think of this: that harsh inner voice is trying to protect you! In the past, you may have needed to be this way to survive, but now it’s just not doing a very good job and holding you back.
When our emotional systems are out of balance, we can experience emotional regulation problems, which very often we can’t talk ourselves out of. Taking a ‘body-up’ approach can be incredibly helpful in this work: slowing your breath to around 5 breaths per minute helps calm the sympathetic nervous system (linked to threat) and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (linked to soothing).
Like all work in therapy, this is not an overnight fix and it does take time and commitment. Remember, you’ve probably been relating yourself in this way for a very long time, so trying to respond with compassion rather than shame is going to feel uncomfortable and is going to take time.
For more information on compassion and its role in the relationship between shame memories, check out my recent discussion with Dr Stan Steindl on The Journey Home podcast.
