Recovering from an eating disorder can be a long, painful and confusing process for the sufferer, it can also be all of these things for their families and loved ones. At Portobello Behavioural Health we recognise that eating disorders have the ability to make parents, siblings, friends, carers and anyone in their lives, feel like they are being held hostage with little understanding of what is happening.
Supporting the loved ones of the suffering is not only important for their recovery, but also to the health and wellbeing of the family and friends as they move through this challenging time.
Becky, our eating disorder specialist offers some insights that will hopefully give you some reassurance, comfort and understanding, regardless of where you or your loved one are at in the journey.
When someone is suffering with an eating disorder it is as if they are living with a bully inside their head 24/7.
Imagine everything you do being scrutinised and challenged by someone whose sole purpose is to make you feel that you are not good enough or deserving enough unless you do all the punishing things it tells you to do. Even then it will still not be content and will move the goalposts. This is what living with an eating disorder is like. It is helpful to remember that for your loved one this bully would have started out as a friend, as something that felt like support, that felt empowering to them and why it can be so difficult to move away from. This is why compassion, kindness and care are so important when supporting someone in recovery, it offers them a different voice that with consistency they will be able to connect with and internalise.
You are going to get it wrong, that’s ok.
Parents and carers often talk about feeling they have to tread on eggshells. This is totally understandable when you are frightened of causing pain or when you don’t have the energy to support another breakdown that takes over the day. However, this is what the eating disorder wants you to do, it wants you to withdraw, it wants you to leave your loved one alone because then it has the space to assert its power even more. This creates a cycle where your loved one can then feel that the only thing, they have is the eating disorder and want to lean into it more. So even if you are met with an agitated, aggressive, presentation because you spoke up or intervened, somewhere in there is your loved one that is being seen and is being responded to. So, keep getting it wrong.
Not withdrawing can be difficult, take courage and an untold amount of energy. That is why it is also important for you to take time for yourself. It can be helpful to think of the instructions they give to you on a flight, you must put your own oxygen mask on first before you can be there to help others. What are the things that ground you? What are the things that you need to do to take care of yourself? Where do you find joy and fulfilment even if it is just for seconds? You have probably had feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness, anger and confusion. These will be a lot of things that your loved one is also feeling, we want them to move on from these feelings and recover. You deserve to too.
